Why being a good husband requires more than paying the bills.
“Why does it seem that we have more widows than widowers?”
That was the question the founder of an NGO I consult for raised during a conversation with me. The organisation reaches out to indigent widows, and her observation got me thinking beyond the immediate concern of the outreach. While there are demographic factors that help explain this disparity, including differences in life expectancy and the tendency for husbands to be older than their wives, the conversation led me to reflect on something else: how we live with the people we love while we still have the opportunity to do so.
We cannot always determine how long we will live, but we can choose how we show up in the lives of those who matter to us.
In many homes, a man is considered a good husband if he pays the bills, provides for his family, ensures that his children attend good schools and makes sacrifices to give them a comfortable life. These responsibilities matter, and a man who takes them seriously deserves appreciation. But have we reduced the meaning of being a good husband to what a man provides, leaving little room to consider what his family actually experiences when they are with him?
A man can fulfil every financial obligation and still be a stranger to the emotional lives of his wife and children. He can live under the same roof with them without knowing what troubles his wife or what his children are struggling with. He may be working hard to secure their future while missing the ordinary moments through which family relationships grow.
Providing for your family is an expression of responsibility. Being present in their lives is an expression of relationship. A healthy marriage needs both.
Perhaps part of the problem lies in how many men are raised to understand strength. Some grow up hearing that boys do not cry, that men must always be strong and that expressing emotional pain is a sign of weakness. Over time, silence becomes a habit, and emotional distance can be mistaken for strength.
But a man can be strong without pretending that nothing hurts. He can lead his family and still admit when he is overwhelmed. He can share his fears and disappointments without feeling that he has failed as a husband. Vulnerability does not diminish his responsibility; it allows his family to know the person behind the responsibilities he carries.
The same principle applies to how he engages with his wife’s world. If she runs a business, he should take an interest in its progress. If she works for an organisation, he should be willing to listen to her challenges and ambitions. He does not have to solve every problem she brings to him. Sometimes, listening is enough to reassure her that she does not have to carry everything alone.
Children also need more than school fees, clothing, food and shelter. They need to know that they can approach their father when they are afraid, confused or struggling. They need to experience his interest in their lives, not only his authority over them.
Of course, emotional presence is not solely a man’s responsibility. A healthy marriage requires both partners to listen, offer support and create an environment where they can speak honestly without fear of ridicule or dismissal.
Every husband, however, should be willing to examine the quality of his own presence. Does his wife feel safe enough to discuss what matters to her? Can his children approach him when life becomes difficult? Or have the people in his home learnt to manage his moods and work around his absence?
These are not accusations against men who work hard. They are reminders that building a family involves more than providing the resources with which it operates. It also means building trust, creating emotional safety and participating in the lives of the people we love.
The founder’s question brought me back to the reality that our time with loved ones is not unlimited. We cannot always determine when that time will end, but we can decide what we do with it while it remains available to us.
We often speak about leaving an inheritance for our children and securing our family’s future. These are worthy aspirations. But we should also consider the memories, confidence and sense of belonging we are building along the way. What good is it to spend a lifetime providing for people if, in the process, we leave them feeling that they had to live without us even when we were still around?
The goal is not merely to build a good life for your family. It is to be part of that life.
Perhaps the question every husband should occasionally ask himself is not just, “Am I doing enough for my family?” but also, “Am I giving my family enough of me?”
Because a man may provide everything his family needs to live comfortably and still miss the opportunity to build the kind of relationships that make living together meaningful. That is a cost worth considering while there is still time to change the way we show up for the people we love.
The allusion in the Bible that money answereth all things doesn’t suffice in this case. The same bible make us understand that if you have all the money in the world and there’s no CHARITY… Then all that is nothing. So Charity, which is love and affection supercedes Money. As a matter of fact a father that provides and a neighbor that’s always there for the children- to wipe their tears, play with them in the garden, spend that father’s money for them in cinemas and shopping malls will be more acknowledged.
During COVID-19 children called their absentee father “uncle” Because he was not always around since they were born. It’s so sad… So to provide is a thing and to be present is another.