Some time ago, two female friends and I needed a tricycle to get us to the next bus stop. We had waited for a while, and it was already getting late when two tricycles arrived almost at the same time. Since there was not enough space for the three of us in one, we had to split up. My two friends entered one, while I took the other.
As my tricycle pulled away, I noticed the rider and the passenger beside him making some comments about the two women who had entered the other tricycle. From what I could gather, they were displeased because they believed the women had deliberately ignored them and chosen another tricycle. There was also a suggestion in their comments that this was simply “how women behave”—a familiar gender-based assumption that gave their actions a meaning before they even knew why the women had made that choice.
I explained that this was not what had happened. We had intended to travel together, but the first tricycle had filled up and another passenger had arrived. There was simply no room for everyone, so we had to separate. Once they understood what had actually happened, the tension disappeared.
It was a small incident, but it reminded me of something significant about human relationships: we often interpret people’s actions without knowing the story behind them.
We see what someone does, attach a meaning to it and respond to the meaning we have created. Someone does not return our call, and we conclude that they no longer care. A colleague questions our decision, and we hear disrespect. Our partner asks for some space, and we interpret it as rejection. Sometimes, we even allow our previous experiences or biases to tell us why someone behaved the way they did before we have bothered to find out.
Sometimes, we may be right. People can deliberately hurt, reject or disrespect us. But sometimes, there is another explanation we have not considered.
Our past can make this even more complicated. When someone has experienced repeated rejection, betrayal, abandonment or criticism, they may become especially sensitive to situations that resemble those experiences. Something happening today can awaken a feeling from yesterday, and before we realise it, we may be responding not only to what is happening now but also to what happened before.
This does not mean every strong reaction is trauma, and it certainly does not excuse treating people unfairly. It simply means that our experiences can influence not only how we respond to people, but how we interpret them.
The same is true of our assumptions and biases. We all carry ideas about how certain people behave—men, women, older people, younger people, colleagues, neighbours and even members of our own families. The danger begins when we allow those assumptions to become explanations for people’s actions without giving them an opportunity to tell us their side of the story.
That is why we sometimes need to pause before drawing conclusions. Instead of deciding that someone deliberately ignored us, we can ask what else might explain their behaviour. Instead of assuming bad intentions, we can seek clarification. A simple conversation can sometimes reveal a completely different story.
This matters even more in our marriages, families, friendships and workplaces. Relationships are not damaged only by what people do to one another; they can also be damaged by what we assume those actions mean. An innocent action can become evidence of rejection in the mind of someone who has experienced rejection before, just as an ordinary decision can become evidence of disrespect when viewed through an existing bias.
Perhaps part of healing, then, is learning to create a space between what happened and what we think it means. In that space, we can ask: What actually happened? What else could explain this? Am I responding to this person, or to something this situation reminds me of? Am I seeing this person as they are, or through an assumption I already carry? Have I given them a chance to explain?
We will not always get it right. But giving people the benefit of the doubt can save us from creating conflicts that never needed to exist.
My experience that day lasted only a few minutes, but the lesson has stayed with me. We do not always know what prompted another person’s choice or action.
Perhaps one sign that we are healing is that we stop turning every unfamiliar action into a familiar wound—and stop allowing our biases to fill in the gaps where facts are missing. Sometimes what looks like rejection is simply a misunderstanding. Sometimes what feels like disrespect is poor communication. And sometimes, before deciding what someone meant, we simply need to find out what actually happened.
If we are not careful about the stories we tell ourselves about other people, we may end up fighting battles that never existed.
This is instructive. Thanks to my brother, I now catch myself and stop the cycle when I begin to attribute meaning to other people’s actions. Interestingly, my mind often has a way of convincing me that my assumptions are right.
Yet,I must admit that practising this has been difficult, especially when I have made attempts at getting the other party to explain and they refuse to. Still, it is the right thing to do. May God help us.